| Dear
One,
Our newspaper, the Herald Times, ran a
series of free giveaway coupons during the summer months. I can only
guess but I think the coupons were some sort of marketing effort by
Bloomington to motivate residents to meet local merchants. The process
was easy. Clip out the coupon, take it to the retailer and redeem your
gift. The value of these giveaways usually ran from about $1.50 to
$5.00. Well, as you can imagine, Taylor and I kept a close eye out for
those coupons - it was kinda like a treasure hunt. We became more
familiar with the city and got free loot to boot! There was an occasion
where the giveaway was a hummingbird feeder from Wild Birds Unlimited.
No one had to tell me twice. I was standing at their front door in the
wee hours of the morning, yelling "Open, open, open". Well, to
make a short story even shorter, I quickly understood why the
hummingbird feeder was free. It was plastic and it was ugly…boy was I
surprised.
Surprises - either you love 'em or you
hate 'em. I don't know that I've ever met anyone who feels indifferent
about them. For years, my definition of a surprise was anything, anybody
or anywhere I wasn't in control. Oh, I certainly recognized that there
were good surprises and bad surprises. But to me, even the good
surprises could turn nasty - what if I didn't look thankful enough for
the lovely unexpected gift that was just given to me? So, with that
mindset, I chose to protect myself from surprises in general. The need
for control and self-protection was intense.
But do you know what? When I protected
myself from what I considered the "bad surprises" in life, I
also protected myself from the "good" things in life. I can't
tell you how many quality things I have limited myself from experiencing
in an effort to be safe. You know, better to be safe than sorry… For
years and years, I protected myself (my heart, my emotions, my feelings)
from receiving the love that John Moneypenny had for me. I was so afraid
that I would feel let down if his love wasn't what I needed or that I
would be surprised if I couldn't depend on his love to be consistently
consistent or even worse, that I would accept his love and then lose it.
I marched with a vengeance around the inside walls of the fortress that
I had built, brick by heavy brick. I was safe...for now.
It wasn't until years later that I
began to allow myself to receive the love that John has for me. What
changed? Did John become more trustworthy of my heart? Or, did I just
decide what the heck? Well, the answer to both questions is
"no". And, I would love to tell you that it is a loud and bold
"no", but in actuality, it is a very matter-of-fact "not
at all". It just so happened that John's love for me didn't become
better looking or more consistent, matter of fact, it began looking
pretty bleak. My self-protective patterns were actually causing the very
thing to happen that I had tried to avoid for years - John was
withdrawing his love from me. You see, when you are always on the
defense, you can't help but be offensive, too.
It wasn't until we came to the point of
sleeping-with-one- watchful-eye-open-at-night (afraid of being murdered
by the other during sleep) that things began to change. I began to give
up on John. Yes, you heard me correctly. I finally began to take my
focus off of John. Through some incredible counseling with my sweet
friend, Anne, I started catching a glimpse of my identity in Christ.
Once I began truly "knowing" that I am a child of God, loved,
accepted, forgiven, holy, blameless…I noticed that my confidence and
security began transferring from John to Christ - the true source of my
identity. As I learned about the resurrection power of the indwelling
Christ in me, I began experiencing a power that made my self-made
fortress look like a tissue paper tent - this was a resource for living
that I had never known. I didn't have to depend on John or myself for my
worth and identity and I didn't need to look to myself anymore for
protection and power. I could finally let out a huge sigh of relief!
Whew…
Since that time, the Lord has been
graciously showing me time and time again that He is my everything. That
is why I can say very matter-of-factly, that John is not. I know that
John would tell you that as I began to let him off the hook for being my
everything, that his desire for me changed. It wasn't an obligation any
more. He wanted to be with me. That ladies, it's the difference between
duty and desire.
I can't tell you what a
"surprise" John's love for me has been. His love looks
entirely different than I thought it would - funny how that works.
Because of what the Lord has been showing me about Himself, I now trust
in Him and just enjoy the spontaneity and possibilities of being loved
by John Moneypenny. Who would have guessed? But then I guess that's what
surprises are all about, right?
I love you,
Marcy
marcy@gospelfortoday.org |
